Monday 19 March 2007

Here's to you babe!

Hi there again! I'm still in a good mood, phew! My mood was made even better by the news my friend gave me. Turns out, I may be able to make it back in time for her wedding after all! Yippee! Now, if THAT didn't bring a big ol grin to my face, I don't know what will.

I've known this friend for many years now. Let's call her Sunshine. Sunshine was there when I just started working, all alone in the big bad world with no knowledge in my head whatsoever. She lent me common sense when mine deserted me and shared my burdens with me, no matter how trivial and insignificant. Later, as we went separate ways, we've remained good friends and she's always let me whine on her shoulder. Distance was not an issue.

Sunshine's getting married this year. CONGRATULATIONS!!!! And I am really glad that she's found happiness. My whining a few blogs ago might lead u to think I'm against marriage. I'm not actually. I'm just annoyed that some people think it's the Holy Grail in this world. I'm really glad Sunshine has found her Holy Grail. Sometimes, I think I'll never find it, but then, I look at Sunshine and sometimes, it just makes me believe that it just might happen to me. Her story gives me hope. But all was not rosy and the journey hasn't been smooth for her, I know. The course of true love never did run true.

I would just like to tell her that the journey might not be smooth after this as well. Things or people that made her unhappy or doubt herself in the past, will still make her unhappy or doubt herself. But I hope that she will be able to look in the mirror and see what I see, a mature (somewhat flakey) girl/woman who's heart is as big as her smile. I hope she never doubts herself or the choices she's made because I know that she'd have thought of all options and gone with the best one. Although it may not be the most popular choice, I'm confident that Sunshine will have made the right choice. That choice may have driven people away or caused rifts, but life is like that. You can't please everyone. So, just please yourself! HAHAHAHAHA!

Yes, I'm THAT confident of Sunshine and I hope that some of my confidence, will be able to push it's away the clouds of doubt and let the sun shine through.

To Sunshine, congratulations and YAM SENG!

Sunday 18 March 2007

Nature's show

Hi hi! I'm in a good mood today, out of my slump of depression. Between you and me, I prefer being on this end of the spectrum. Too many deep thought the previous week. My brain is dead tired from thinking so much. Between assignments and studying, it's handled all the thinking it's capable of.

Part of the reason why I'm in such a good mood is the fact that it snowed today! Yup I'm a sucker for snow ;) I like it all pristine on the ground but when it starts to melt, I'm outta here! Yes, yes, I'm THAT kinda person. Like to play, but don't want to clean up the mess.

Nothing brings a grin to my face (and I say GRIN) other than waking up to a white world covered with a fresh blanket of snow. It just looks so pretty and magical covering everything! If you've ever sprinkled icing sugar over a muffin, you'll know what I mean. There's just something innocent and magical about snow that brings out the child in me. When it snowed last month I just had this big ol goofy grin all the way in to class.

We've been having sunshine and clear skies for the past week so today's snow was really out of place. It's been forecast for the next few days too. Sigh, time to unpack the winter coat again. It started out like a typically beautiful sunshine-y day when suddenly the clouds blew in, fog settled and it started to snow. And boy, did it snow! Haha the winds picked up and you could see the snow swirl all around. Made me glad I was indoors at the time! And after about an hour of this fierce dance of snowflakes, it all died down, the clouds blew away and the sun came out! It felt like God was saying 'Right, show's over guys, time to get on with it' and just flicked a switch. It was amazing!

So now you know why I'm so happy. Let it snow, let it snow!

Saturday 17 March 2007

To singing out loud

I was seated on the top deck of a double-decker bus the other day when this guy in front of me just jumped up, ran to the seat right in the front and proceeded to sing Take That's 'Shine' at the top of his lungs. The whole bus burst out into amused laughter but he didn't care. He had his headphones plugged in and was singing and shimmying to the music. Bless him, nearly brought a tear to my eye to see him enjoying himself like that. Did he care that people thought he was one can short of a six-pack? Did he care that he'd embarressed himself in front of total strangers?

Heck no!

He didn't give a rat's ass! When the song ended, he just stood up, said 'Not bad for so early on a Thursday morning!' and got off at his stop. Perhaps, I should mention at this point that this guy wasn't like you and me. He was a 10 year old in a 19 year old's body. I heard him calling his friend on his mobile and you could hear the pride in his voice when he told his friend he was going into town all by himself. Things that we took for granted in our daily lives gave this man such a feeling of accomplishment. I was moved by this unknown stranger.

This stranger was probably never going to realise it, but he made me feel ashamed of myself. Ashamed of all the times I didn't do anything because I was too afraid to try. To afraid to humiliate myself in front of friends or other strangers. This man was singing out loud on a crowded bus because he wanted to. Because the song moved him and tapping his feet just wouldn't do. I envied this man his bravery and gusto. I wished that I had the bravery to express my feelings and overcome my fear of humiliation.

A previous housemate once told me that he didn't know what was going on in my head because I never told anyone what I felt. I thought he was just trying on some cheap line. But years later, looking back, I realised that he's right. He only knew me for 6 months but yet saw a fundamental flaw in me that even I couldn't see.

I'm good at hiding my feelings. I admit that. Even if something was bothering me, I'd just grin and bear it and then cry later in bed. It was just the way things were. If I didn't show my feelings or opinions, no one would be able to laugh at them or use them against me. Maybe this is why I'm forgettable. There's two kinds of people in this world......the forgettable ones and the unforgettable ones. I belong in the first category. I wish I was in the second one but well, life aint' fair anyway.

Inhibitions are what hold us back. They prevent us from fully expressing ourselves. What's wrong with looking like a fool in front of everyone? They don't know you anyway and well, the world won't come to an end just because you were humiliated. But I don't know why, I don't like looking stupid. It's my biggest fear. Every time I have to do something, I pray that I don't look the fool. That's why I dread new situations. Familiarity lessens the risk of being embarrased.

So on this sunny Thursday morning, I look enviously at a young man who is so proud to go into town alone, singing his heart out to his favourite song, fearless of the world and what they think. I wish I could be like that.

Tuesday 13 March 2007

Digging deep

This one is dedicated to the girls.

When we were younger, life revolved around getting home in time to watch the Smurfs.

A few years later, it involved meeting friends for trips to the mall, or tuition or just on the journey home from school.

Then we were off to college where we discovered a whole new world of knowledge and self confidence. Some of us lucky ones found our calling in life and worked toward achieving it. Some succeeded, some didn't. All in all, it was a journey to adulthood.

Come adulthood, talk centres around careers and mortgages and down payments......and relationships. All of a sudden, aunts and uncles you don't even remember are asking whether you're attached or getting married.

Seems to me that in society, your success in life is measured by whether you've started your own family. It doesn't matter that you might be brilliant in physics, invented the new Viagra or discovered the secret of time travel. It all comes to nought if you're not married. You could be a president of a multi-billion dollar company or a chair of the rocket science board but you can just hear the awkward silence when people find out you're not married. How many times have we heard the jibes directed at the new boss for being 'difficult' just because she's a spinster?

I am lucky to be able to further my tertiary education to a level that might be considered unnecessary for a girl by old standards. Yet, I've reached an age where I feel that no one seems to care whether I am doing well in my work or studies. It's all about whether I have a boyfriend or not. Recently, I feel that I might as well be working at a gas station as long as I have a boyfriend. Because without one, I'm a failure in life. I have failed at my purpose on earth, to procreate and repopulate the earth.

I'm not against getting attached. It's just that things like this is not like going to the nearest mini-mart and scanning the aisles. If I could choose, I would love to have someone that I could share my feelings with, someone who would love me as much as my parents do. Someone who I would matter to. It's a nice feeling knowing that in this whole world, there's someone that thinks about you every night. A nice feeling knowing you're not invisible in this world.

But if I don't have that someone, am I considered a failure? Current polls seem to think that I am. Despite all the bra burning back in the 70s, your status in life is measured by the band on your finger. Every romance movie made always has the girl ending up with the man of her dreams. Never once, does she lead a comfortable, successful, happy life on her own. Aren't we subcounsciously telling little girls around the world that the ultimate goal is to get a husband?

Barbie was slammed for being too sexist. It was an inappropriate role model for little girls because it taught them to aim for nothing more than pretty clothes and big piles of hair. Yet, no one points a finger at the movies. Around the world, hearts melt when Cinderella marries the prince, when Ariel marries the prince, when Sleeping Beauty marries the prince ( hey notice how they all get princes?? You would think normal citizens didn't get married). Yet, there's no movie that starts with a girl striking it out on her own............ending with her on her own.

Being single is alright when you're young but it's a real b***h when your older. No friends, no company, maybe no money even. My parents favourite argument 'All your friends will be married and you'll be all alone'.

So am I supposed to just jump the next guy that happens along my way? Disregard the fact that I may not like him, and he may not be too inclined toward me either? Get a marriage of convenience? Might as well marry a male nurse then, at least he'll have good training. If getting attached is so important, why did I spend all that time getting a degree, getting a Masters, working and then uproot myself halfway across the continent all in search for a better job?

I wish people wouldn't judge us on our ability to attract the opposite sex. I agree, not all of society is obsessed about marriage, but I bet that these people, are already married.

I love being single. I don't love it for the freedom, but I love it because I haven't been UN-happy being single. I suppose, it's like choosing tea over coffee, because you've always had tea, not because you hate coffee. I just wish other people, the people who matter the most to me, saw that and could be happy too.

Judge me on what I have achieved, not on what I haven't.

Thursday 8 March 2007

Waste of space

I dedicate this blog to my dearest friend, 3sm who taught me that writing letters in cyberspace is oh so therapeutic, even though they will never be read by the people they are directed to.

To my group mate Sarah, whom I had visions of clubbing like a baby seal, I give you this letter:

Dear Sarah, I wish I had the courage and b*lls to stand up and tell you what a real b***h I think you are. If you a)did not know how to do your work
b)did not want to do your work
please say so earlier and let us get on with it. Stringing us along for a week while the deadline looms over our head is not a nice thing to do. I would really like to tell you that we do not appreciate being treated like your secretary while you just sit there like a lump of earth and look bored during meetings. If there is some place else you would rather be, leave and let us feel happiness while we create a beautiful, awe-inspiring piece of work. Or else, stay and have more brain activity than an amoeba..........please.

To my colleague Matt; while I appreciate that you are from another country, your obnoxious behaviour and obvious delusion about being god's gift to womenkind is wearing thin on my nerves.

Matt,
You are obviously brimming with self confidence. The thought that
a) people do not like you
b) your comments are insulting and degradatory to me as a women and as a person of another nationality
c) your manners, while normal back home, are not acceptable to me
d) I used to think you were knowledgeable. Now, I think you're full of cr*p
have obviously never crossed your mind.

Please remember you are not in your home country but with a very wide blend of other nationalities. Being proud of your ethnicity and culture is a very good thing. I am guilty of the same thing. But please, don't force me to accept your culture when I so obviously don't want to. Allow me to retain SOME self-control over my life. Please at least acknowledge the fact that some actions may be offending to me. I try not to step on anyone's toes but you just stomp over mine. I have initially given you the benefit of the doubt and attributed the lack of manners to the cultural difference but I think it is unfair of me to assume that everyone from your country is rude. Now, I think it's just you.

Spouting phrases like, 'thank you for your smile, they inspire me to be great' or 'you inspire me to create something beautiful in this world' will not win me over. Nor will they make me think 'Golly Gee, what a great guy'.
Instead, they inspire me to stick my head in a gas oven.........just to stop the voices.


So to Sarah and Matt, please develop some respect. Respect for other people who work hard for their grade. Respect for other people who love to learn about other cultures but do have feelings of their own. Self respect for yourself. Don't let yourself down by behaving badly. I know deep down, you are good people.

But for those who are unwilling to change, you are nothing more than a lump on this earth, creating misery in other people's lives. A waste of space.

Thursday 1 March 2007

Should I, Shouldn't I

I have just confirmed and accepted the awful truth about myself. A truth that I've already known since eons ago but never accepted. I am incapable of making decisions! I don't know whether it's the lack of self confidence or the fact that I'm just ultra paranoid, I always have to second guess myself.

Perhaps this is why I never get to buy stuff when I go shopping. When I go shopping, I either look at everything and put it in my KIV file and then never come back for it, or I buy it on the spot, parade around home in it and decide it's not looking too good and then return it. At this moment, I have a blazer in my wardrobe awaiting judgement. Either the size is wrong, or the color is off. Whichever it is, I am incapable of making decisions. Normal ppl would just go out, try something on, buy it, wear it and let their friends comment on how foxy they look. Not me, nope. I have to think about it, the cost-effectiveness of it, whether it's suitable for the long term, whether I can machine wash it........etc. Hmmm, it's starting to sound like I'm a very wishy-washy person.

I really need to straighten my head out and make a decision and stick with it. No more impulse-buy. I guess it's all to do with self confidence and whether I trust myself to say that yes, I look good in this, ergo I'll buy it. Maybe I need to trust my judgement more. To hell with what other ppl think, I like it and that's that! Hmm, now all I have to do is decide what to do with my new blazer.......