To singing out loud

I was seated on the top deck of a double-decker bus the other day when this guy in front of me just jumped up, ran to the seat right in the front and proceeded to sing Take That's 'Shine' at the top of his lungs. The whole bus burst out into amused laughter but he didn't care. He had his headphones plugged in and was singing and shimmying to the music. Bless him, nearly brought a tear to my eye to see him enjoying himself like that. Did he care that people thought he was one can short of a six-pack? Did he care that he'd embarressed himself in front of total strangers?

Heck no!

He didn't give a rat's ass! When the song ended, he just stood up, said 'Not bad for so early on a Thursday morning!' and got off at his stop. Perhaps, I should mention at this point that this guy wasn't like you and me. He was a 10 year old in a 19 year old's body. I heard him calling his friend on his mobile and you could hear the pride in his voice when he told his friend he was going into town all by himself. Things that we took for granted in our daily lives gave this man such a feeling of accomplishment. I was moved by this unknown stranger.

This stranger was probably never going to realise it, but he made me feel ashamed of myself. Ashamed of all the times I didn't do anything because I was too afraid to try. To afraid to humiliate myself in front of friends or other strangers. This man was singing out loud on a crowded bus because he wanted to. Because the song moved him and tapping his feet just wouldn't do. I envied this man his bravery and gusto. I wished that I had the bravery to express my feelings and overcome my fear of humiliation.

A previous housemate once told me that he didn't know what was going on in my head because I never told anyone what I felt. I thought he was just trying on some cheap line. But years later, looking back, I realised that he's right. He only knew me for 6 months but yet saw a fundamental flaw in me that even I couldn't see.

I'm good at hiding my feelings. I admit that. Even if something was bothering me, I'd just grin and bear it and then cry later in bed. It was just the way things were. If I didn't show my feelings or opinions, no one would be able to laugh at them or use them against me. Maybe this is why I'm forgettable. There's two kinds of people in this world......the forgettable ones and the unforgettable ones. I belong in the first category. I wish I was in the second one but well, life aint' fair anyway.

Inhibitions are what hold us back. They prevent us from fully expressing ourselves. What's wrong with looking like a fool in front of everyone? They don't know you anyway and well, the world won't come to an end just because you were humiliated. But I don't know why, I don't like looking stupid. It's my biggest fear. Every time I have to do something, I pray that I don't look the fool. That's why I dread new situations. Familiarity lessens the risk of being embarrased.

So on this sunny Thursday morning, I look enviously at a young man who is so proud to go into town alone, singing his heart out to his favourite song, fearless of the world and what they think. I wish I could be like that.